Today before the end of my silent retraite, I heard a story about a dying person who made a rosary from the bread that was supposed to feed him/her.
I think that person told this story so I know what it meant when that person gave me their rosary. How that person looked when I put it around me. How other people looked when they saw that rosary around me. And how that person looked when I gave it back.
It is the one thing that saves someone’s Soul. It is the ultimate form of love. The way Jesus loves. I thank God for this experience and will keep this person in my prayers.
On my way to my first silent retraite. It had felt so natural. Yet, the closer I am, I felt something else all of a sudden:
as if I am about to leave this life behind.
Maybe with a small unreadiness, but I remain unafraid. Because I am taking another step towards You. How can I be afraid, if You have put in so much time and effort to prepare me?
Can you feel that I am with you now?
I have been with you ever since
And I shall be with you until the end of time.
I’m sorry you’re hurt seeing me in pain. I’m sorry you have to witness my struggles of growing up and integrating into the world. I know you call it greyness, but God too created grey and allowed it to exist.
I know you want to protect me, you’re hurt to see me hurt. But if helping people means that others become upset with me, then more people should start helping another. If trusting people means that others will betray me, than more people should start trusting each other not to betray.
Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I am sorry I failed you, but even more that I failed Him. That my shortcomings remained to exist. But our love for Him is stronger than our shortcomings, our love for Him can make us move mountains. So I will continue to improve myself, to become a better version every day. I know He created me with love, and I am grateful for the way I am, but it does not take away that we are now part of His Light. We are the light of the world you call grey, which is why even more importantly that we continue to remain a city on a mountain that cannot be hidden. In the same way, we must continue to shine our light over the people, because we belong to Him, and not to the world. (Matthew 5:14,16)
My beloved older me, we remain forever His Children. His beauty is reflected in our thoughts, our words, and actions. Let us pray that we remain worthy in the way we exercise His graces in our life, with the right judgment between mind and heart. I ask for forgiveness for the times I have failed Him. Let today be a new beginning. Let us merge into One, don’t give up on my innocence. I love you.
It was never about my indecisiveness
My apparent not knowing what I want had confused them
It was merely that I did not want what I wanted
Because it was not the best option for me
Then He interfered
Like He always did, when I needed Him
Enlightened my road, the steps I take
Increasing in vicinity
And I know
The best is yet to come
I’ll be ready when you find me
Maybe in another life I’m going to be a dancer. Too bad that’s not a skill one can internalise in a month or two.