Transformation

A year ago today

Or even five years ago

 

Different people made me happy in different ways

 

I planned this trip like I would have spent it like a year ago

More than three months ago

 

Because I thought:

this is how I would have wanted

 

But experiences have shaped me

I didn’t realise how I have changed

 

I executed the plan I planned like I had planned under different circumstances

Just to realise I want something different than I did when I was planning it

 

A year ago today

I was different

At the same time,

I am the same

 

Just a different composition of what I feel like doing instead

 

So I think about my life

To the blessings of life

 

Having lived more in the moment

Complaining about the plans that fell apart

 

But I look back with a twisted smile

To all the things I thought I lost

Just to understand that if I didn’t, I might not have been happier instead

 

All the beauty in life are made of shadow and light

It is just the way the light falls…

 

That makes all the difference

You

I looked through my writings and

Saw the poems

The really good ones

Inspired by you

 

A part of me will never understand

 

You were more me than I could ever be

 

So unapologetically me…

I could never exist

 

It’s probably why I have difficulty telling you about my leaving

Because you are the last person I would ever want to say goodbye to

 

So I look at your name and that smile I know

As close and as far as you have ever been

 

And nothing changes

Choices

Overdue…

But unavoidable.

 

There are things I like about the corporate world, there are things I don’t care about.

There are things I care about the public sector, there are things I don’t like.

 

I thought I will meet the One,

someday.

 

Maybe I am

the One.

The Red Scarf

Ever since I was little, I liked red dresses. That preference remained as I grew up and matched “my-particular-red”-dresses with the same kind of red lipstick for special occasions.

A few years ago, I found out that Grandfather always bought red clothes for Grandmother, because he too likes the colour red. He had a beautiful red cashmere scarf. When he found out that I loved the scarf, he gifted it to me. He told me he had three of them as an annual gift, and that he just got a new one which he will give to me. But because he will have to search for the new one, I told him I don’t mind this one; it does not look like it was worn.

I just found the scarf in my closet during my annual cleanup. 8 months ago, my Grandfather passed away unexpectedly. The man who used to sing me to sleep when I was a child; who kept all my pictures and toys to pass on to my future children. I didn’t even had the chance to say goodbye.

Now I look at the scarf and I feel blessed. Because this is the scarf my Grandfather used to wear. It is the most personal item I have of him. Not only because all of his clothes were burnt for the ceremony, but because it reminds me of him, and everything we have in common. Inspiring me of the good person he is remembered by.

The Woman

Sometimes I’m just moody. Sometimes I’m temperamental. Sometimes I’m unbearable. Because sometimes I just want to be alone.

For various reasons that are private to me, and owe no one any explanation. Because the world has exhausted me to the extent that I no longer care about what others expect from me.

The only one I need to take care of in order to survive is me.

Today, I love. Because I woke up and saw the light. I had the clarity and energy to take on all that was on my mind, and was able to make all the difficult decisions. I let go of what I needed to in order to make plans to achieve what is important to me. That’s what the silence was for.

I used to fear my own silence but now it’s the safest feeling I have. Because I know everything will be alright, because I will make sure of it.

Changes are coming, but now I know. The woman has gone through enough to really stop caring.

On this Christmas,

We forgive the people whose arguments are uninformed, because they have the ability to be easily influenced and it’s not very nice for them;

We forgive the ones incapable of feeling compassion because they never received the warmth when they too needed it;

We forgive the ones whose eyes can only see themselves, because they never felt like they were in someone else’s heart before;

But most of all, we forgive ourselves for our incapacity to understand and the emotions we’ve felt towards all that has angered and disappointed us.

 

On this holiday that is surrounded by love and warmth, we think about the ones who are no longer with us. We light up a candle in our heart, where their presence will continue to shine.

We think about the years behind us, the hopes and dreams that were shaped and broken, and the peaceful heart we gained – a victory one should never take for granted.

We think about the year ahead, with renewed spirit and passion. The beginning of all that’s new and pure, and the ending of all that belongs with the past.

We think about the people we’ve met, some near and some far, who have sparkled our heart with warmth and wisdom – lights we would not have seen, if life went just as we had planned.

We think about the ones who were with us, during times less sparkling; life would not have been the same, without their company on a road solitarily our own.

 

With all that life has given and taken from us, we still are and forever will be, a human of our own:

With a mind that can distinguish right from wrong,

With a heart that can choose good over evil,

Because it only takes one pure heart to change the world,

Let alone a humanity of beautiful souls.

 

Merry Christmas, my fellow human family.

The European Dream

One day when it all has passed

People will look with regret to what they have allowed to happen

 

One day when they finally see

The efforts they could have made to save a project that was once a dream

 

So I write about it for people to see it now

To avoid the inevitable day of regret

 

So that one day we can all look back

with our head held high and our eyes of pride

 

On the world we pass on to

our children, and theirs to come

The First Snowfall

There is a saying about the first snowfall that it’s a blessing from the sky. Lovers fall deeper in love. Families are peaceful and happy.

And we shared it over trillions of micro light years, bringing me right next to you. Under a blanket keeping us both warm, we watch the magic from the sky.

Starry night, snowy bright.

 

We didn’t even know when it began.

Music to My Heart

I think about you

Through the melody that brought me right to you

Through the luminous passage into memory lane

I heard the light in your voice

The magic in your melody

 

And I remembered it all

 

How I used to be

What I used to see

 

When I looked into your eyes

Into the portal of reflecting glass