When I saw my tram leaving in front of me this morning, I thought, now I can finally try the coffee place at the corner. Inadvertently, I saw the view I had taken a picture of months ago. This made me ponder: what’s the point of rushing from place to place if I forget to enjoy my moments like this. These moments that I’ve been missing, because I forgot to spend time with me. I watched two more trams passing by in the meantime (I am not the one to run – unless I feel that I should); they were all not meant for me. So I enjoyed what turned out to be the second most decent espresso I’ve had in Budapest so far and took the next tram in tranquility. I found happiness is my new routine. Too bad it is at the end. But I will find another one, in my new route, I’m sure.

Earlier this morning, I found the kimono I was searching for, because it was misplaced in another compartment. I wondered if sometimes I don’t see things because I was not looking at places where in my mind I had already decided that they aren’t supposed to be. Or leave things at where they don’t belong to. Such as my black belt that I haven’t been able to find and resultantly haven’t worn my grey jacket since. But maybe I can use my pink scarf instead, and be more creative about the options I never thought I had.

Sometimes we forget life just because of what we think we should or should not. But there is so much more that we could do. How would I know if it suits me or not if I haven’t tried it and experienced if I like it or not? All the beauty in life are made of shadow and light, happiness and unhappiness teaches us about what we want and the lengths we are willing to go to keep – or even to make – ourselves happy.

Yesterday, the Indian Sunset at Magnolia Spa turned out to be just everything I needed. Because I never experienced it before, and could not compare it with anything I knew; thus, everything came as an unexpected surprise. My Mom used to say that if I don’t have any expectations, I won’t be disappointed. I now understand why. Afterward, my friend and I ended up in Pomo d’Oro – an Italian where you need a reservation in advance. But sometimes life happens when you make spontaneous decisions. Since I have tried decent Italian food in decent Italian restaurants in Italy before, this one turned out to be rather disappointing. Because we’ve had better food, better drinks, and better service before. Luckily, we shared our experience with good company, so it was even more bonding; especially, when we realised that we asked questions of the other instead of just our own. I suppose that after any “fifth date” one no longer thinks about whether one’s expectations are still being met, but starts to notice other delightful surprises – having naturally accepted the other as one of our own.

My Mentor’s speech today about Waves of Change was just everything I needed to hear. I have been thinking about my Season of Change, and how I haven’t prepared for the winter that is luring around the corner. Certain decisions are hard to make because we are not sure whether it really is the right one, and life is too short to really try everything we put our mind to. So the question of what kind of life we would rather live is often not as easy as it sounds. Because we only know the kind of consequences we rather bear, when we have either experienced it or avoided it.

Sometimes I think about how some people spend their entire life working hard to pursue their dreams, while others just roll into somewhere. Sometimes I wonder if I want to see how far I can roll or would like to test my will instead. Perhaps I need yet to be courageous enough. My Dad used to say, successful people wake up early to do what they cannot leave undone.

I am losing time…

Sometimes I think about these things, from one place to another; from one thing into another. Because if I don’t think about my life, then what am I living for? Just like feminism, of course I am a feminist without a shadow of doubt: if I don’t care about my rights, dignity, and justice, then why should anyone else? If I don’t stand up for the values I hold dear, or anything or anyone I care about, then who am I?

How some things in life are so unequivocally certain while other things seem so unclear…

Perhaps I should live and relive, to fall more often so I learn to stand up taller, so I can one day give my children the courage to pursue their dreams. To really live a life they are willing to go in flames for.

Because what else are my experiences good for, if I cannot use them to make this world more beautiful.

But I cannot put my hopes and dreams into someone else. For my walk is not yet ended, and my quest has only just begun.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s