Just understood the eternal conversation between my Mind and my Heart. One always deciding what I should do, the other only doing what I would do. Today my body decided to say no, we are done with your bs demands. We simply could no longer.
We have humoured you for as long as we felt like, but when it comes to final decision makings about my body, we are not a democracy.
So this evening, we did not do what we would have usually. We certainly did not what we should have accordingly. Because when I was on my way, I felt that my body could have collapsed.
We felt the limit of our mortality.
Still I apologised to my company for being such a boring company tonight. Because that’s what we learnt to do. Being a delightful company. It’s part of Nature. It’s part of Nurture. But good friends they accept us for who we are. They appreciate us in good and in bad forms. Even if we had to end the rendez-vous prematurely.
Being on a roll can be a form of high. But being high in any form is always damaging to our body. Making important decisions can be stressful, and I have had to make too many lately – with too little sleep.
So I carried myself home. Put myself in bed. And gave myself the love and affection I haven’t in a very long time.
That’s when I remembered: I would be a very good mother.
People do not know the sacrifices I have made to be who I am. Everything I have, I gave to myself. Everything I know, I learnt when others are having a good time. Everything I can, I practiced to the extent that I do not know how not to. Everything I can choose from, are from the loves I had to give up over and over again. Everything that was not made for me. That I was not created for. I can be relentless, if I want to. That’s how I studied for the diplomatic language tests, and practiced for the intelligence test of Foreign Affairs and for the EU. So I can have the perfect score. Being in the top 5% of Master-graduates’ level of result was not good enough. So I have to become the top 3%. IQ is not enough without EQ, so my extracurriculars were never ending. To develop the skills I would have neglected by focusing on education only.
That was all my mind. My heart just wants to watch the moonlight and write poetry. Like Frederick II used to, before he became Frederick the Great. But he too never stopped writing, despite his military achievements.
But my body just wants to fall asleep listening to classical music. Breathing in the remaining of Chanel Allure or Chloe Absolu in my chamber – depending on the mood, and dream that I could fly. Maybe that’s why I am not ready to go home, because I would like my adventure to last just a little longer. Because I am actually happy, just to feel free.
Should, would, or could?
I am a mixture of universality.