The truth about freedom is that it can be scary. We cling on to the identity we know, feeling homesick about our ways of life; limitations we subconsciously impose upon our choices. I have been thinking quite a lot about the choices I made in my life lately. But that’s not what I want to write about.
What inspired me to write is this sudden feeling about new people whose company I appreciate, new relationships I am getting used to, and new habits I am developing in this life away from home. It is scary because I might get attached to something with no turning back. I might change into someone who can no longer feel home to the home I used to know. Or with the people I used to identify myself with.
Home is where the heart is, and my heart is used to spreading particles around, whilst keeping the absolute majority within me. New habits develop, new experiences are lived; transforming the identity we are accustomed to. Like with this little church I am visiting between work and Toastmasters, just for a few minutes to stand still and pray for my grandfather. The conversations I am having with people from all over the world – either at work or in private. The family I come home to and my beloved Little World. They are all blessings I never planned to experience, and will miss one day, I’m sure.
The attachments I have allowed to occur, which is why I feel sad whenever I leave a place. But leaving anywhere is inevitable. The most natural thing in the world is learning to let go and say goodbye.
I have had a lifetime of preparation but was still not ready to say the ultimate goodbye. I never had the chance to say my goodbye in person. Some things in life happen too fast and others too late. Perhaps in order to make an impact on our life, they all came at the right time. Preparing us to a life well lived so when we say our ultimate goodbye we have nothing left to regret.
(September 11, 2018)