Piece of Jewel

When I saw my tram leaving in front of me this morning, I thought, now I can finally try the coffee place at the corner. Inadvertently, I saw the view I had taken a picture of months ago. This made me ponder: what’s the point of rushing from place to place if I forget to enjoy my moments like this. These moments that I’ve been missing, because I forgot to spend time with me. I watched two more trams passing by in the meantime (I am not the one to run – unless I feel that I should); they were all not meant for me. So I enjoyed what turned out to be the second most decent espresso I’ve had in Budapest so far and took the next tram in tranquility. I found happiness is my new routine. Too bad it is at the end. But I will find another one, in my new route, I’m sure.

Earlier this morning, I found the kimono I was searching for, because it was misplaced in another compartment. I wondered if sometimes I don’t see things because I was not looking at places where in my mind I had already decided that they aren’t supposed to be. Or leave things at where they don’t belong to. Such as my black belt that I haven’t been able to find and resultantly haven’t worn my grey jacket since. But maybe I can use my pink scarf instead, and be more creative about the options I never thought I had.

Sometimes we forget life just because of what we think we should or should not. But there is so much more that we could do. How would I know if it suits me or not if I haven’t tried it and experienced if I like it or not? All the beauty in life are made of shadow and light, happiness and unhappiness teaches us about what we want and the lengths we are willing to go to keep – or even to make – ourselves happy.

Yesterday, the Indian Sunset at Magnolia Spa turned out to be just everything I needed. Because I never experienced it before, and could not compare it with anything I knew; thus, everything came as an unexpected surprise. My Mom used to say that if I don’t have any expectations, I won’t be disappointed. I now understand why. Afterward, my friend and I ended up in Pomo d’Oro – an Italian where you need a reservation in advance. But sometimes life happens when you make spontaneous decisions. Since I have tried decent Italian food in decent Italian restaurants in Italy before, this one turned out to be rather disappointing. Because we’ve had better food, better drinks, and better service before. Luckily, we shared our experience with good company, so it was even more bonding; especially, when we realised that we asked questions of the other instead of just our own. I suppose that after any “fifth date” one no longer thinks about whether one’s expectations are still being met, but starts to notice other delightful surprises – having naturally accepted the other as one of our own.

My Mentor’s speech today about Waves of Change was just everything I needed to hear. I have been thinking about my Season of Change, and how I haven’t prepared for the winter that is luring around the corner. Certain decisions are hard to make because we are not sure whether it really is the right one, and life is too short to really try everything we put our mind to. So the question of what kind of life we would rather live is often not as easy as it sounds. Because we only know the kind of consequences we rather bear, when we have either experienced it or avoided it.

Sometimes I think about how some people spend their entire life working hard to pursue their dreams, while others just roll into somewhere. Sometimes I wonder if I want to see how far I can roll or would like to test my will instead. Perhaps I need yet to be courageous enough. My Dad used to say, successful people wake up early to do what they cannot leave undone.

I am losing time…

Sometimes I think about these things, from one place to another; from one thing into another. Because if I don’t think about my life, then what am I living for? Just like feminism, of course I am a feminist without a shadow of doubt: if I don’t care about my rights, dignity, and justice, then why should anyone else? If I don’t stand up for the values I hold dear, or anything or anyone I care about, then who am I?

How some things in life are so unequivocally certain while other things seem so unclear…

Perhaps I should live and relive, to fall more often so I learn to stand up taller, so I can one day give my children the courage to pursue their dreams. To really live a life they are willing to go in flames for.

Because what else are my experiences good for, if I cannot use them to make this world more beautiful.

But I cannot put my hopes and dreams into someone else. For my walk is not yet ended, and my quest has only just begun.

Civilisation through My Veins

Part I

Winners go to war after knowing they have won. Losers go to war hoping to win.

I’m glad I have not lost that sensible judgment. It is part of generations of upbringing within my family. It is called an Art after all. I would have been a disgrace to my last name – and to my first name – if I were to have such amnesia.

Part II

How can we maintain peace if we are not constantly preparing for war? The strong will always do what it has the power to, and we cannot be so weak to have to accept it all.

We are the descendants of the Sun after all – the Aries Warrior – from the God of War himself: Mars. If I am not at least a step ahead of the seasonal change, how can I even prepare for anything?

So what happened to me?

Have I replaced my taste with tranquility, with poetry – the soft side that is the Moon?

I like to create new routines; to find order within chaos – to make myself (feel) more comfortable. But too much comfort leads to complacency. The beauty in this world does not only lie in its creation – it takes much more effort and perseverance to maintain. And maintaining something requires the will to commit. How do we ever know if this is the right choice that we are willing to dedicate our life – or at least, the near future – to?

All things in life are created with the right judgement between soft skills and hard power. We just need to know where the fine line is.

Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis

If we know that everything is temporary.

All the happiness, all the unhappiness, were merely momentary captions

Will we still spend so much time dwelling on something that would pass?

A few months ago, I wrote:

Observed how feelings changed over time.

Perhaps it was never anything meaningful to begin with.

I like to believe that feelings are important messages we send to ourselves. Providing us with information exclusively.

If we know where we want our end destination to be, will we worry about not having arrived yet, or shall we cherish every step that we take towards?

And if one day, we arrive at a lake on our way to our end destination, where we feel happy, tranquil, and at peace. Why don’t we rest a while and enjoy the view. Until we feel it is time to be on the road again.

Because everything is momentarily; we look at people with softer looks in our eyes. With more affection and love, because we know that this too shall not last. So why don’t we appreciate the time we have together, and make the best of every moment that we are blessed to share.

Naar dezelfde plekken

Sommige mensen kennen geen werkethiek. Ze gaan en hebben niks wat ze niet laten kunnen. Het hebben van fatsoenlijke werkethiek daarentegen is best ondankbaar werk. Niemand die dank je wel zegt als jij wel alles geordend voor ze achterlaat. Gelukkig waarderen de meeste klanten het wel. Behalve wiens rijkdom een beetje hoog in hun bol zijn gestegen en die geen fatsoenlijke manieren meer kennen. Gelukkig maak ik dat niet vaak mee, maar best vervelend wanneer dat wel gebeurd en dan neem ik het altijd als mijn persoonlijke verantwoordelijkheid om op de een of ander manier – vaak in de vorm van diplomatiek taalgebruik, hetzij wat juridischer van inhoud – ze wat beschaafde normen en waarden te introduceren.

Maar het verschil moet er zijn. Anders schijn ik het prettig te vinden om met alle mensen samen te werken.

Should, would, or could?

Just understood the eternal conversation between my Mind and my Heart. One always deciding what I should do, the other only doing what I would do. Today my body decided to say no, we are done with your bs demands. We simply could no longer.

We have humoured you for as long as we felt like, but when it comes to final decision makings about my body, we are not a democracy.

So this evening, we did not do what we would have usually. We certainly did not what we should have accordingly. Because when I was on my way, I felt that my body could have collapsed.

We felt the limit of our mortality.

Still I apologised to my company for being such a boring company tonight. Because that’s what we learnt to do. Being a delightful company. It’s part of Nature. It’s part of Nurture. But good friends they accept us for who we are. They appreciate us in good and in bad forms. Even if we had to end the rendez-vous prematurely.

Being on a roll can be a form of high. But being high in any form is always damaging to our body. Making important decisions can be stressful, and I have had to make too many lately – with too little sleep.

So I carried myself home. Put myself in bed. And gave myself the love and affection I haven’t in a very long time.

That’s when I remembered: I would be a very good mother.

People do not know the sacrifices I have made to be who I am. Everything I have, I gave to myself. Everything I know, I learnt when others are having a good time. Everything I can, I practiced to the extent that I do not know how not to. Everything I can choose from, are from the loves I had to give up over and over again. Everything that was not made for me. That I was not created for. I can be relentless, if I want to. That’s how I studied for the diplomatic language tests, and practiced for the intelligence test of Foreign Affairs and for the EU. So I can have the perfect score. Being in the top 5% of Master-graduates’ level of result was not good enough. So I have to become the top 3%. IQ is not enough without EQ, so my extracurriculars were never ending. To develop the skills I would have neglected by focusing on education only.

That was all my mind. My heart just wants to watch the moonlight and write poetry. Like Frederick II used to, before he became Frederick the Great. But he too never stopped writing, despite his military achievements.

But my body just wants to fall asleep listening to classical music. Breathing in the remaining of Chanel Allure or Chloe Absolu in my chamber – depending on the mood, and dream that I could fly. Maybe that’s why I am not ready to go home, because I would like my adventure to last just a little longer. Because I am actually happy, just to feel free.

Should, would, or could?

I am a mixture of universality.

Lost in Archive

Sometimes I look things up to remember. The things that made me happy. The things that made me sad. But everything I’m feeling is in what I’m not saying. So I have to read between the lines to remember what I was looking for. 

I know my mind is in complete chaos when I am out of words. It usually takes me a week or two to process. So whenever I am writing, it usually means I am ready to decide. When I found the words to make sense of the confusion certain information had created, or fill in the gaps where lack of information took place. Abstract reasoning was never a challenge, except that there is nothing logical about feelings and emotions. So we put that out of the equation. Just shouldn’t do that for long.

So I am looking at my old writings, of events that had shaped me. Some things that I seem to have forgotten, when I allow repetitions to occur. Although the context is different, although the decision was situationally made, I have recognised a pattern – not one I should continue to let exist.

All the beauty in life are made of shadow and light. But we had looked darkness in the eyes when we made stars to shine. Never forget what you are capable of and what you are worth. If you ever find yourself where your worth is not being recognised, don’t waste another effort but move on to where your presence will be better appreciated. Communicate once if need be, but if you have to, then the allure has been lost already.

Some people can be too demanding, others can be too passive. They are all not the right one, until it fits just right. The same goes with work. Sometimes I meet someone and I know they’ve welcomed me home. Other times we know, we are just passing time because this experience too will make us more and more us. Closer to what we want and teaches us not to settle with what we don’t want.

Be grateful to all that life has to offer. It’s beauty lies in our eyes.

Fever

It’s the physical expression of the toxicity that’s been captured inside

Like tears are the release of what cannot be put into words

Emotions so intense one can only feel

 

 

We are a mosaic of broken pieces

Beautiful in our unity

That’s what families are for

The support and understanding one was born into without having to ask for, without needing words to explain

(May 9, 2018)

Bones

In order to find happiness we must experience what makes us unhappy. Because sometimes we only understand what we really want when we experience what we don’t want. It’s a test to see if our bones are truly strong enough to pursue the life that we want to live and to give ourselves nothing less than that.

(June 16, 2018)

Words Worth Writing III

It’s been way too long since I attended a live classical concert, so I decided to have my own private concert tonight. It reminded me what really makes me happy. Not much at all.

Having lived outside of my comfort zone and challenged my growth since the end of January, I think I might be getting ready for my real challenge one day […].

I know a lot of people will prefer London or New York, or even Sydney and Dubai for that matter; but I’ve always been more interested in the holistic experience that the world brings. The struggles of humanity. The irrationality of life. The true nature of people. Being where I’m truly needed. Finding solutions to fix the global society. Not that there is nothing left to fix in what seems like comparatively better to most people.

Few people understand my decisions. But few experienced my flying from golden cages into glass houses. I think that until I taste the authenticity of life, I will never be truly free. If one is never really free, one can never choose to commit to anything. Without feeling suffocated.

I think it was during a Deep Work (Body Art) training today after work that I gave up on perfectionism – and I didn’t even care.

With every step we take, we come closer to our next step.

I have come one step closer to being truly free.

(August 1, 2018)

Claire de Lune

Same song, different me. Somehow we grow up, and can never turn back. We can never feel or see the same things in the same way again. Our understanding shifted. Tempora mutantur et nos mutamur in illis. – YSW

(August 9, 2018)